I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
