Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
