How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
