I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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