I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When did angry sex become our thing?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
