I hate your face
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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