I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
