And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
