shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
