so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
