I'm so fucking centered right now
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
