The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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