you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
