Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
