Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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