She is in my trunk
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
