My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
