Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
