Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
