Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
