I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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