before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
