Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
