apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
