broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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