Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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