Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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