Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
