Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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