dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
