I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
