my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
