He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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