you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
