ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
