chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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