he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
