No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
