i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
