I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
