I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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