I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
