let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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