Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's blow job season.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
