My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
