i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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