I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
