Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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