Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
