I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
