Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
